update

found the carrot - on the other side of the yard

broke up with adam

ate a block of chocolate

am on the third level of beatles rock band

not even kidding

just went out the back to nibble on the carrot e left for the reindeer, and its gone

seriously

and when i came back to my computer after the kids had been on it earlier, e had googled 'is e on the nice list?' fucking love that kid. shame i cant take photos of him, or the other lovely wide awake fellow, since my camera doesnt work :(

now i have to go make a cup of tea for father christmas to drink. people who do a tough job like delivering presents to every single house in the world deserve a cup of tea, apparently. and apparently he does it street by street with some sort of rocket launcher, not alphabetically, as this wouldnt be very good time management. he also employs some parents to to the gift delivering for him, by calling them on the phone to ask them

not everyone gets presents tho. stupid cats are on the naughty list this year for all the starlings and pigeons they've eaten, and for the fact that i'll no doubt have to take banjo to emergency some time over the next couple of days due to the fact that she has one eye closed and some sort of puncture wound in her leg, and squeaky meows when i pick her up. naughty list, indeed!

well, thats it then, i guess

i am not impressed by your news that you caught a goat and are now cooking it

although, i could catch a monkey - if i was starving i could. different frogs, different days.

lies

e asked me what honesty meant. i said 'not telling lies'.
'im not honesty then'
'why not? did you tell a lie?'
nods
'what did you say?'
'i told everyone i was the penguin from happy feet'

things my child did to annoy me in a 10 minute period

forgot how to make a cup of tea : this involved not boiling the water, filling the cup full of milk, realising what he'd done and attempting to tip the milk back into the carton, giving up and getting another cup in which he poured boiling water into without first adding the tea bag, then using milk from the carton rather than the milk he'd previously used to fill the other cup.

then spilled it as he walked into the lounge

then spilled it again as he put it on the coffee table

then spilled it again as he was mopping up the other spills.

unrelated things

e found an earwig in his bed. 'oh my god! grandma was right! there are bugs in here!'. children are currently cleaning their room

today i found out tom nook is buying turnips for 318 bells. i sold mine yesterday for 116 bells. and i had a darryl braithwaite song stuck in my head. fml.

trying

so, we're trying. apparently. i dont know. sometimes it seems its not any different than before. and i see other people trying and i wonder if its all for show. its such public trying that it seems its all done to prove that everything is gonna be alright

im doing my trying quietly, at home, with no spectators. i dont know if its working. maybe. i kept checking my phone. but then the question came, 'do you want me to?' and i didnt know how to answer it. to be honest i cant remember how i answered it. i guess i'll find out in a week or so. 'otherwise it will be ages' is the reason. and yes, otherwise, it will be ages, but maybe thats what we need? or maybe what we need is more time closer together to work things out? but what if that closer together time makes us angry and quiet? i guess i'll have the answer then, wont i.

i keep getting asked how i am. and i dont know how to answer that. im fine. at least, i feel fine, but i know im not. i dont know if that makes any sense at all. im barely speaking, but i think thats a good thing, since no one is home. but thats a problem too, as i should probably be going out. but its so hot... just going to work is enough, really.

but my initial reason for writing, trying. im just not sure i know how to

oops

broke my blog

dear fast food chain

i fail to see how this qualifies to be a whole crispy strip

usually if they are small, you add another one. this time you didnt. thankfully i wasnt hugely hungry. you really should put the sauce in there though, its mean to ask me what sauce i want and then not give it to me

on the up side, the sunkist can is pretty



dear another fast food chain

do you think its possible for you to put a sign out the front of your stores to say when you are cleaning the ice cream machines, so i dont have to go through the drive through to find out i can have any cold milky beverages? its rather annoying, and i always think of how much further down the road i could be if i didnt stop. if i had a thickshake or an icecream, i wouldnt mind so much. or perhaps, you could have two machines that work on a roster system so that there is always icecream available? thats an idea. i doubt you're lacking in cash.

lastly, not related to fast food, but stuck on my fridge so still in some way related to food, this is what greets me every time i go into the kitchen

the internet is mocking me

facebook suggests i 'reconnect with adam'
email i just received tells me to visit britain again
a time capsule photo gets sent to me every now and then. todays is from 2006

in a style that is very strange for me, i was awake last night at 3am. ho ho ho, carly, you are a funny one. actually though, instead of being awake and angry at being awake and trying to sleep, i was writing.
ive been trying to write this song for a bit over a week now. its been in bits and pieces on paper and phones all around my bed. last night it all came together

every trick in the book

Hold on tight, you're needed now.
Dont let go of me.
The cold hard light of day didnt chase those thoughts away.
In fact it set them free.
Now im trying hard to feel how im expected to feel.
Waking up to the disappointment of what is real.

I kept the message that you sent me.
Remembering, imagining, hoping yes and no.
Remember how i said that i dared you?
Tell me, i'll stop if you say so.

I dont know what it was that i was looking for, but it was comfort that i
found.
And now those constant thoughts have hit my head with such a
force, they're spinning me around.

And though i couldnt have you, i wanted you to want me.
Watch me from your side of the room.
And thats the way we played our little parts in this game,
as responsible adults its what we do.

Is it the start of a pattern, or just a strange coincidence
when our fingers reach out at the same time?

im going to attempt a little more tidying today. see how it goes